Playing catch-up.

I'm so sorry for disappearing on this blog. I've worn myself thin between two blogs and began losing my inspiration. So I've actually put my nail polish blog on an indefinite hiatus. I may or may not eventually blog again there, but this blog will definitely become my main focus.

I have so much to write about.

The other day I could button my favorite pair of jeans even after washing them! I honestly dreaded putting them on! I was all huffy & puffy and ready to blow my house down.. then I slipped them on my legs, then over my thighs then ahah! They buttoned.. comfortably! It felt amazing. I may or may not have done a little bitty happy dance after buttoning them. It's just affirmation that focusing on my diet and lifestyle change.. even though very difficult, is working. I'm learning to hold myself accountable for what goes in my body. Up until last Wednesday, I'd had no fast food in 2 months. But I allowed myself a medium french fry and a large sweet tea since it was always my favorite... and while it should've been yummy and tasty, all I could think about was.. "why the Hell did i love this so much to eat it 4x's a week?!"

I've recently had to overcome my first bout of depression. I've been in a very unhealthy, unfulfilling relationship for the last 2 years. I was searching for love in the wrong place. I wasn't aware of how much it affected every facet of my life until a couple of weeks ago. I actually got pretty emotionless.. very cold-hearted. VERY depressed. I actually wound up splitting with this person for good Monday a couple weeks ago. I know that it was the best decision for me, and my growth, because a lot of those black clouds I'd been living under actually started to dissipate. This is the first time I've been truly single since I was 19. I've been in a cycle of one bad relationship after the other. Searching for love in places that I somehow know I'll never find it. I feel very desperate to be loved from another human being. And wherever I can get that, I take it. It's a cycle through my relationship with God, and healthier living, that I'm learning to break. I've let go of the need to find love. But have instead decided to let it find me. But I sometimes still wonder out loud to myself, "Will I ever find my husband and have my family?"

I still live at home with my parents. After getting myself into a lot of debt and hardship, they were kind enough to let me move back home, and I've been here ever since. I've been comfortable here. They don't watch my coming's and going's or tell me what to do. However, my dad is a very very sick man. But we don't know the reasons.. because he refuses to go to the doctor. He's pretty much given up on life, it seems like. He hasn't been out of the house in a year. He sleeps upwards of 18 hrs a day. My mom & I had plans to go to a wedding today, and Friday morning he jumped all over my mom for 'ruining his effing weekends' because me & my mom always go out on weekends and 'leave him with the dogs.' And I've bitten my tongue for so long, watching his disintegration, that I exploded. I told him all he ever wants to do is sleep. And that Wednesdays (which are my day's off from work through the week), I typically stay home so he doesn't have to deal with the dogs. I've literally stayed home every Wednesday for months, and he still chooses to just sleep. He'll get up for a few hours, then go right back to sleep.

But everyone has tried talking to him. Trying to convince him to go see a doctor. And he refuses. So there's really nothing anyone can do. But he tends to make me or my mom feel guilty for going out and doing things. Every time we go to dinner, we ask if he wants to go. And he mumbles and says he doesn't feel like it. Every time we go on vacation, we ask if he wants to go. He says no. He says that when I get his age (72) that I'll understand why he sleeps so much. But I've known 90 year old's that are much more active than him. Instead of facing the reasons he's given up on life, he seems to find alternate things to blame it on, and make others feel guilty for living. Which has lead me to the decision to try to find a house to buy in the next 6-8 months. Which will allow me time to get my car paid down, and pay off the rest of my credit cards. Basically any money that I don't have to spend, will be going into savings.

My original goal had been to own a car by the end of this year, but I honestly can't keep living in this depression. I dread coming home every day. There's just a cloud of depression that hangs over this house, and I know its not healthy for me to live in.. especially when I'm trying to rediscover myself & walk more with God. I honestly don't know how my mother still does it.. she's always had such a beautiful spirit and it seems to be so crushed lately.

But after he and I fought Friday morning, it lead me to do a lot of bible reading when I got to work. I actually discovered a few favorites from Psalm's and my new new favorite from Proverbs, which I will be sharing on this blog eventually. I'm still brand new in my walk with God, but every day, through various circumstances or instances, I feel Him draw me nearer to Him. Such as Friday morning. I've found a new bible that I want to get. Don't laugh, but I've been using my 'Extreme Teen Bible' that I got when I was first forced into church by some friends. I love it, but I want a more 'traditional' bible to use in conjunction with it. I found this amazing thin-line bible which would be perfect for me to carry around with me. Any idea's on which translation I should get? I kind of like the NLT.. But I think the NIV is more traditional? HELP!

Happy Saturday to you all, you know I love you.